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Sick

I'm pissed off because after trying to do everything by myself for so long and only now having to rely on Tom (yes, longer than my brain realises; I know), these assholes have the nerve to basically tell me that I'm simply lazy, when I ask for help.

The ER doctor laughed at me and mocked me in his discharge report (2016, March 19). I told him (and everyone) that I had been waking with night sweats from really bad PTSD nightmares each hour for an entire day and night, as well as what I tried to describe to them, which I now believe to have been a night terror, which is when I finally went to the ER. That's around 24 nightmares and night sweats, along with panic attack-like symptoms, narcolepsy-like symptoms, confusion, dissociation, and dehydration. I had been unable to care for myself properly (and still cannot)... I told them I had PTSD, and that I was on Effexor, which made the night sweats much worse. My heart rate was through the roof and wouldn't stop. The doctor basically just chuckled and looked at me like he thought I was pathetic. He all but flat out refused to treat me, but I refused to leave. I said that I wanted to see their psychiatric team. They wouldn't arrive until morning. I would wait, and wait, and wait... The night crew would not treat me.

I was not attended to until after the morning changeover, around 12:00 PM. I had arrived around 3:00AM the night before. I was finally given a saline drip (3 bags, I think), and a potassium supplement, because they found me dehydrated. Imagine that. I had been drinking water all night too, so it would have been much worse when I arrived, but fuck me, I guess. I was also given a benzo fucking finally. Jesus. The place wasn't very busy. All I had to do all night was eavesdrop on what was going on around me, drink water and be helped to the bathroom over and over again from drinking so much water. I was too afraid to sleep, even though I was extremely exhausted. It simply wasn't busy. I worked at a hospital. My father worked at a hospital. I almost died in an ER from an asthma attack because they were so busy. I know what busy looks like. It was nearly dead in the ER and short-term unit when I was there.

I hate the ER. I found out my sister died in the ER (after not being picked up at school until a detective came much later & told me there was an accident, but wouldn't tell me who was hurt or if they were alive or dead). I've nearly died from asthma attacks several times in the ER. When I worked at Walmart, if I got sick and had to take a second day off, I had to get a doctor's note or I would be flat out fired. I worked nights. The only thing open at night was the ER, and they hated me for it. What the fuck else was I supposed to do? I couldn't afford to be fired. I didn't have time to fuck around trying to get an appointment in the morning, while I was very sick and needed sleep. I hate even going near the ER. People are sick and hurting and angry and tired, scared and contagious. Why the fuck would I go there if I had just wanted attention? The ER is a horrible place.

And that doctor is an asshole, was creepy as fuck and looked like he was on drugs. Fuck him.

There was more dumb crap after that, but I'm just fed up talking about it right now. It's just so fucking hard for me to ask for help, but especially when assholes who are supposed to help me just hurt me. I'm sick of it. I'm sick of everything.

Shove It, World

Where do I even begin?

I am extremely frustrated and my health is getting worse all the time.

On top of the fact that my health is too poor to even wash myself or make it to the doctor, I am tired of being let down by those who are supposed to take care of me.

I feel that the majority of health practitioners of any sort are very behind the times on the latest in post-traumatic research and therapies. I feel like (nearly) everyone is a self-serving ninny, and how the fuck am I to trust any of them with what has already been fucked beyond recognition?

I'm tired. I'm tired of people. I'm tired of feeling old and sick all of the time. I'm tired of not even remembering much of who I am anymore.

I'm tired of being laughed at, mocked and insulted by these supposed professionals.

And let's not forget sexually harassed and otherwise made to feel very uncomfortable by extremely weird, sexist, unprofessional and inappropriate comments. It's gotten to the point that I flat out refuse to see male practitioners of any kind, and I hate that, because that makes it even harder to find non-ignorant practitioners, if I am chopping out half of them, since I can't trust the majority of the male population, even in professional situations to just fucking be decent to me. Fuck! I hate society.

I'm tired of my physical health being ignored because I have a mental health problem, which, by the way, IS A PHYSICAL HEALTH PROBLEM, as YOUR BRAIN IS A BODY PART, and if something's gone wrong with it, that is within the realm of neurology, and not me making up problems because I want attention. Also, you're a cunt.

Lately, I don't want attention at all. I don't want people at all. I know I normally would, as I am a social person and love my friends, but right now, I am absolutely sick to death of people and their failings or probable soon to be failings. I've got enough on my plate without having to deal with other people's problems right now, on top of the world fucking falling apart. You're all a bunch of fucking animals. Stop shooting each other and putting refugees in prison camps. What the fuck is wrong with you? Why is an orange reality TV clown running for president at all? It's a fucking joke. You should all be ashamed of yourselves.

I'm sick and fucking tired of being let down by people who are supposed to be in charge. I'm sick of cops, I'm sick of doctors, I hate the government, and I hate my fucking parents. Everything is a fucking clown rodeo tire fire, and I hold it together as best as I can, and just be nice, despite what my body is doing and what I know and have been through, and people have THE FUCKING NERVE to be assholes to me?

Well, guess where you can shove it, world.

*

As I explained in a discussion with my Bestie about why I consider myself Lawful Good, as opposed to Chaotic Good... Okay, first of all, I have to explain that Lawful Good does not necessarily mean following society's or the powers in charge's laws. It means following a specific set of rules explicitly, with very little room for change. I used to be a lot more chaotic when I was younger, but around 30 especially, my own personal laws of morality set in. Most were always there at the core, but my behaviour was chaotic for many reasons. Now it is not. I am still open to change, technically, but I have become quite set in my ways and much more sure of myself and my beliefs, now that I am older. I am still extremely passionate about my personal laws of morality, which I believe sets me firmly in Lawful Good.
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Tags:

I don't live on Planet Neutral.

Trigger warning: Rape, calling out a rapist & people's reactions

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Shitty Apples

I guess I should take this opportunity while I'm still fairly lucid (ie: not drifting in & out of flashbacks & dissociation) to write a journal entry.

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Halloween Movies

These are ideas for movies for me and my bestie to watch around Halloween. I tried to make up a good mix to choose from, so everybody can find something to watch (since I'm sharing it). I specifically tried to go mostly for things that seemed more appropriate for Halloween, like ghosts, werewolves and urban legends.

Drag Me to Hell
Halloween
Häxan
An American Werewolf in London
The Conjuring
The Changeling
Candyman
Demonic Toys
Insidious
Sinister
The Orphan
It Follows
Dead Silence
Pet Sematary
Wolf
Hellbound: Hellraiser II
The Amityville Horror
The Exorcist
Poltergeist II
House on Haunted Hill
Dèmoni (Demons)
My Bloody Valentine
Tales from the Darkside: The Movie
Night of the Demons
The Funhouse
Wolfen
Ghost Story
The Old Dark House
Livide
Trick or Treat
La Chiesa (The Church)
Salem's Lot
The Vault of Horror
From Beyond the Grave
Vampyres

For more ideas, check out my IMDb lists.

I especially recommend for the Halloween season:
Pumpkinhead (monster, gore, older teen+ [SPOILER warning for very sad little kid death - I've seen the movie hundreds of times & it still gets me. It's been a fave since I was a kid.])
Candyman (urban legend/supernatural slasher/bees, mature [male & female leads are hot & you get to see her boobs] one of my very favourites)
Poltergeist (haunted house, younger teen+ depending- there are some pretty scary scenes)
A Nightmare on Elm Street (supernatural slasher, teen+)
Halloween (THE standard for slashers, older teen+ [a lot of younger people find this boring; me too a bit])
Waxwork (vampire, werewolf, mummy, BDSM, gore, mature- been one of my faves since I was a kid)
Fright Night (vampires & werewolves, teen+)
Hocus Pocus (witches/fantasy, very Halloween, probably best for 8-10+ depending [warning for sad cat scene])
The Halloween Tree (all ages, but there are some scary themes [like death], so as always, it depends on the kid - Also, I can't remember how culturally accurate this is, so don't blame me if it got something wrong. :p)
Trick 'r Treat (werewolves, monsters, ghosts, etc- the most Halloween movie I've seen in ages, older teens+)
Friday the 13th (slasher, older teens+)
Slither (alien invasion/monsters/zombies/body horror/comedy, really gory & weird, teen+)
An American Werewolf in London (best werewolf transformation, some gore, dog death, mature)

I'm really not sure which Frankenstein, Dracula or Mummy to tell you to watch. If you haven't seen any, might as well start with the originals. (I think I'm going to watch the '59 Mummy next, as far as these go.) For comedy, go for Young Frankenstein and What We Do in the Shadows. Both are fucking hilarious, and I'm a harsh critic on comedy. The original Addams Family and The Munsters (though possibly I'm just in love with Yvonne De Carlo) are fun too, for classic monster/horror family TV shows.

Ask me about anything you want to know. Even the ones I haven't seen, I can probably at least tell you what kind of horror it is, so you don't have to spoil it for yourself trying to find out.
Not all for psychologist, and I'll tidy it up some later. Read bottom to top.

(As always, if someone doesn't like being mentioned or whatever, just give the word. Except my parents. Fuck you.)

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03/10/2015 12:02 Pantstrovich What interests me about this therapy is that it seems easier for people to understand than a lot of other therapies.
03/10/2015 12:02 Pantstrovich (Old people on the internet. :p)
03/10/2015 12:00 Pantstrovich This video seems to explain the whole thing well (except for the abrupt, distracting music/pictures crap). https://t.co/QWTGbllgqc
03/10/2015
14:41 ItsImrielJay Will look into it when I get home. Like Project Semicolon, there may be value even in the bs. @Pantstrovich
03/10/2015 11:48 Pantstrovich https://t.co/uNfnUI37uV
03/10/2015 11:38 Pantstrovich As with anything, take what suits you and discard the rest.
03/10/2015 11:37 Pantstrovich I should point out that Amazon lists his books as Christian, so there may be some BS along with the good ideas.
03/10/2015
15:05 ClaireAgincourt @Pantstrovich uhg. ..
03/10/2015 11:27 Pantstrovich http://t.co/lREkn2xQtZ Might grab the main book at some point. (Internal Family Systems Therapy by Schwartz, RC)
03/10/2015 11:23 Pantstrovich Not sure if that's what I need right now, but I want to be knowledgeable about all my options. Might be great for some of my followers.
03/10/2015 11:21 Pantstrovich http://t.co/ymqXxUl8eT
03/10/2015 11:20 Pantstrovich Looking into Internal Family Systems therapy. Basically seems to be about identifying parts of the self & making it all more balanced.

A Walk In The Woods Test

I did this thinger 'cause Krys did it. It's not very good. I like the box, ladder, desert, horse one better.

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This is what they call a relational psychology test. The answers to these questions indicate relevance to values that you hold in your personal lives. Let’s get to it! Picture yourself walking through a beautiful forest. The sun is out, there’s a perfect breeze. It’s just beautiful.

Who are you walking with?

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I wrote a message to a new blog for sex workers with mental health illnesses (but it has great mental health info for everyone else too), and I thought that the resources that I was suggesting to them should be shared as much as possible, so I am sharing them here too, and also on my new public blog.

Since it's me, I mainly have resources to do with CPTSD and abuse recovery, but their blog covers many different kinds of mental illnesses and personality disorders.

Share any of this stuff far and wide if you would like to. No need to ask. The more places it's shared to, the more likely that someone who needs to see it will.

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Hi. First, I wanted to thank you for this blog. It will be useful for many.

(Including myself- I have CPTSD & major depressive disorder, and have also faced things like addiction & abusive relationships in the past. Totally willing to help out this blog when & where I can, but the majority of my understanding is based around having CPTSD.)

I also wanted to add some resources for you, and suggest that you talk about any tips for how to deal with unruly customers (or have people submit them), as well as the stigma that those of us who were abused, especially sexually, face as a sex worker/openly sexual person/BDSM practitioner; or find and link to someone else who has (I do know a lovely sex worker with an abuse recovery blog, but I don't know if she has addressed that specific issue).

Trauma

CPTSD
Emerging From Broken
(This blog has helped me so much in understanding and disassembling my negative belief systems gained from abuse. Taught me so much. TW: for descriptions of mostly emotional & sexual abuse, as well as Darlene being a Christian in general, for those of us who have been ritually abused. She doesn't talk about it too much or try to convert.)
Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD
(This one is Australia based & specifically has some Australian resources as well as others. TW: for Christianity again, but she mainly only mentions that on her blog, rather than her website. Her blog can be triggering for various reasons, so I avoid it, but her website is very useful.)
Trauma and Dissociation Facebook community
(Education and community)
Gift From Within
(Covers both PTSD & CPTSD.)
The Trauma Center
(The Medical Director and Founder of the Trauma Center is Bessel van der Kolk, MD)
Peter Walker's website
(The author of Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving, which is a very useful book. He also has some free articles on the topic to read.)
#ptsdchat on Twitter
(Note: All kinds of people on there with different belief systems; can be chaotic & triggering at times & only seems to be active during US business hours.)
Complex PTSD—breaking the silence of the fringe dweller
(Paper written by a CPTSD sufferer about her experiences dealing with CPTSD in rural Australia.)
Sexual Abuse
Pandora's Project
(It's not as obvious as it should be, but the articles are the best part of the site & they have some on dealing with trauma & PTSD, dealing with legal issues, stalking, relationships after sexual abuse, parenting, LGBT, self-harm, ED; all kinds of good stuff.)
RAINN
(Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network)
Ritual/Spiritual/Religious/Cult Abuse
Freedom of Mind
Dissociative Identity Disorder
Dissociative identity disorder to PTSD: The Trauma and Dissociative Disorders
(A wiki primarily focused on information about DID.)

Relaxation
Happy Cat Purring Smoothly
Foster Kitten Cams (Several different ones, showing which are on and offline at the moment)
Paint A Nebula (Relaxing art maker)
Silk (Another relaxing art maker)
This Is Sand (Coloured sand art maker/game)
Doll Devine (Dress up games- good distraction)
Rainy Mood (Sound of a gentle thunderstorm looping)
Baku perfume from Black Pheonix Alchemy (Smells like lavender & liquorice - very calming)

Misc?
Cognitive Restructuring
(About how to change your thinking patterns using CBT. Good for negative thinking.)
How S&M Saved My Life
(Story by a sexually submissive person about how BDSM helped them to heal from abuse. Could be triggering & the site is adults only.)
The Importance of Validation
The Spoon Theory
(A way to explain a limited amount of energy resources for your day when you live with a chronic illness, such as PTSD or depression.)
Suicide: Read This First
(Prevention page for those contemplating it.)

Recommended Books
(Note: Some triggering material. You may want to read with a therapist or have them read instead.)
Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life by Susan Forward, with Craig Buck
Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving: A GUIDE AND MAP FOR RECOVERING FROM CHILDHOOD TRAUMA by Pete Walker
The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma by Bessel Van Der Kolk, MD
Coping with Trauma-Related Dissociation: Skills Training for Patients and Therapists by Kathy Steele, Suzette Boon and Onno van der Hart

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